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Fit the Sixth

The Barrister’s Dream

They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;         They pursued it with forks and hope;They threatened its life with a railway-share;         They charmed it with smiles and soap.But the Barrister, weary of proving in vain         That the Beaver’s lace-making was wrong,Fell asleep, and in dreams saw the creature quite plain         That his fancy had dwelt on so long.He dreamed that he stood in a shadowy Court,         Where the Snark, with a glass in its eye,Dressed in gown, bands, and wig, was defending a pig         On the charge of deserting its sty.The Witnesses proved, without error or flaw,         That the sty was deserted when found:And the Judge kept explaining the state of the law         In a soft under-current of sound.The indictment had never been clearly expressed,         And it seemed that the Snark had begun,And had spoken three hours, before any one guessed         What the pig was supposed to have done.The Jury had each formed a different view         (Long before the indictment was read),And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew         One word that the others had said.“You must know —” said the Judge: but the Snark                                                      exclaimed “Fudge!         That statute is obsolete quite!Let me tell you, my friends, the whole question depends         On an ancient manorial right.“In the matter of Treason the pig would appear         To have aided, but scarcely abetted:While the charge of Insolvency fails, it is clear,         If you grant the plea ‘never indebted.’“The fact of Desertion I will not dispute;         But its guilt, as I trust, is removed(So far as relates to the costs of this suit)         By the Alibi which has been proved.“My poor client’s fate now depends on your votes.”         Here the speaker sat down in his place,And directed the Judge to refer to his notes         And briefly to sum up the case.But the Judge said he never had summed up before;         So the Snark undertook it instead,And summed it so well that it came to far more         Than the Witnesses ever had said!When the verdict was called for, the Jury declined,         As the word was so puzzling to spell;But they ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn’t mind         Undertaking that duty as well.So the Snark found the verdict, although, as it owned,         It was spent with the toils of the day:When it said the word “GUILTY!” the Jury all groaned,         And some of them fainted away.Then the Snark pronounced sentence, the Judge being                                                                        quite         Too nervous to utter a word:When it rose to its feet, there was silence like night,         And the fall of a pin might be heard.“Transportation for life” was the sentence it gave,         “And then to be fined forty pound.”The Jury all cheered, though the Judge said he feared         That the phrase was not legally sound.But their wild exultation was suddenly checked         When the jailer informed them, with tears,Such a sentence would have not the slightest effect,         As the pig had been dead for some years.The Judge left the Court, looking deeply disgusted:         But the Snark, though a little aghast,As the lawyer to whom the defence was intrusted,         Went bellowing on to the last.Thus the Barrister dreamed, while the bellowing seemed         To grow every moment more clear:Till he woke to the knell of a furious bell,         Which the Bellman rang close at his ear.

Fit the Seventh

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The Banker’s Fate

They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;         They pursued it with forks and hope;They threatened its life with a railway-share;         They charmed it with smiles and soap.And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new         It was matter for general remark,Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view         In his zeal to discover the SnarkBut while he was seeking with thimbles and care,         A Bandersnatch swiftly drew nighAnd grabbed at the Banker, who shrieked in despair,         For he knew it was useless to fly.He offered large discount – he offered a cheque         (Drawn “to bearer”) for seven-pounds-ten:But the Bandersnatch merely extended its neck         And grabbed at the Banker again.Without rest or pause – while those frumious jaws         Went savagely snapping around —He skipped and he hopped, and he floundered                                                        and flopped,         Till fainting he fell to the ground.The Bandersnatch fled as the others appeared         Led on by that fear-stricken yell:And the Bellman remarked “It is just as I feared!”         And solemnly tolled on his bell.He was black in the face, and they scarcely could trace         The least likeness to what he had been:While so great was his fright that his waistcoat turned                                                                   white —         A wonderful thing to be seen!To the horror of all who were present that day,         He uprose in full evening dress,And with senseless grimaces endeavoured to say         What his tongue could no longer express.Down he sank in a chair – ran his hands through his                                                                      hair —         And chanted in mimsiest tonesWords whose utter inanity proved his insanity,         While he rattled a couple of bones.“Leave him here to his fate – it is getting so late!”         The Bellman exclaimed in a fright.“We have lost half the day. Any further delay,         And we sha’n’t catch a Snark before night!”